Sunday, January 11th, 2009
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5:15 pm - Hunch.
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Hello Live Journal, a good friend reminded me of your existence today (and the ridiculous password I created for you 4 years ago).
I am a mommy now. My daughter's name is Lilianne Noel.
More later, perhaps.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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Tuesday, December 27th, 2005
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10:33 am - Merry Christmas (it's over, I know).
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I have to admit that this Christmas was the best one I can remember in years. Probably since 2002.
Redding is different this time, however, with it's unsettling darkness and unwelcoming beauty. What was our entirely incestuous chain has now been broken.
Entirely.
This time, forever too.
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(comment on this)
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Wednesday, November 30th, 2005
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10:12 pm - Talkin shit about a pretty sunset...
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In the song, we all come together with so many struggles to share and to overcome. We cry together because the shackles penetrate our skin and it bleeds
and we bleed
together.
forever ( i thought )
Break it down.
::regret soon::
trust me because i trust you.
I always did. There was something that binded all of our hearts and minds together. There was something about me that you missed.
(enough to write me letters)
i missed you too, enough to invite you for a walk and a shake and a hug.
you got really skinny, and hugging you felt akward sometimes.
On the go. the lookout.
She had shoulder length blonde hair.
he had wavy and soft golden brown hair.
her eyes had glasses on top of them...and she had a really pretty smile...
and she offered me valium
and she loved me and planted a garden with me and he slept in my bed
and put his fingers
thin as bones on my spine and it felt good
and i always wanted to kisshis dead lips.
radiance used to color my cheeks and he would come by for a night in july with me and my grass
and some cranberry juice
and i used to try to make everything happen
even when it didnt want to
and love and laughter never felt so good
and i miss everyone and everything so much because it was fun looking out for my friends and trying to get drunk before school and running away from our parents because
they wouldnt let us be us.
to the girl with the glasses and the pretty smile: I dont know what it was that always stood in between us. You have always impressed me. peace to you, and strength in your journeys. for what it is worth, i am sorry. thanks for some good memories. thank you thank you thank you.
to the girl who is my best friend in the universe: i am looking foward to talking about 'old times' when we are 60.
to the boy who is sick because of the poisons he is addicted to: ive promised to always be your friend, and that is un-conditional. you will not be judged by me. we are together, always. i miss youand cry sometimes because i dont want to lose you so please be strong and stay around for all of us who love you. brain power.
to all of the rest: for being a part of my existance and development, i thank you. for teaching me lessons to use for my entire life, i thank you. I will never forget anyone.
blessed love to all.
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(comment on this)
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Wednesday, November 9th, 2005
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10:48 am
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Sunday, October 30th, 2005
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4:05 pm - being afraid of changing
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He was my love.
He whispered in my ear
"i love you Heather".
Forever was defined.
my smile suggested
he stay next to me
and whisper some more
into my ear.
and we could grow old
together somewhere.
and i could care for him
like no other women could
and I would
have.
goodbye is sincere
and he drove off so quickly
i coulnt even say it
as many times as i wanted to.
and forever means nothing
now.
forever drove away
too quickly.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Saturday, October 29th, 2005
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6:46 pm
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Party down without your crown.
Go go go.
Mania.
Cosmic collapse.
::calling the army core::
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(comment on this)
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Monday, October 17th, 2005
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11:11 pm
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I guess lonely places can be colder than other climates.
friends can be scarce when you count them on one hand.
social anxiety plagues you when you are locked up in your room
because you chose to be.
when laughter is horrifying because it isnt your own.
love is forever, and you know this, but maybe the love that you like the most wasnt.
maybe there is something beautiful about being far away from you.
down here up there
sappy music.
that is what created our love.
the park that over looks the whole city.
the lonely city
whose lights seem beautiful because it is the only thing i really see.
not you or him.
or me.
self respect is sacred.
some of us just need others' respect as well.
darling.
i am spiraling.
darling.
oh darling.
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(comment on this)
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Monday, September 19th, 2005
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2:52 pm
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Friday, September 16th, 2005
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1:20 pm
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PREZ FUCKS UP AND KISSES THE COUNTRIE'S ASS
live. 6 PM pacific standard time.
did any one else see that coming?
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(comment on this)
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Thursday, August 25th, 2005
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9:09 am
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my body is tired.
i am taking myself to the emergency room.
tonight.
after school.
i guess stress can weigh on you, as can other things.
like sickness
police officers
babies
immune system
homebum in the BART station cannot play the violin
girl in sacramento
i get it
therapy
i want it
medication
sure.
please
thanks
por favor
no estoy bien
porque'no?
class in 18 minutes
i smoked half of a cigarette that i picked up off of the ground
it was a little damp
didnt smoke well
so i threw it back for someone else to find
love you.
back atcha.
and just what the hell does that mean?
public transit
i am dizzy
is it the marijuana
or the vicodin
or the boyfriend
with nothing to say?
is it my arch*nemesis?
do we have a beautiful sex life?
i sure hope so
i just hope all this is worth it.
sickness.
babies.
travel.
emergency.
nausea
plagues me
why dont you have something to say about it?
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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Monday, August 15th, 2005
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4:18 am - organic chamomile tea
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Hey cocaine
he is sleeping in the library
ive been too assertive with him today
he put a bullet through my heart
a needle in his arm
and i am feeling needles on all of my flesh and drugs in my blood
and goddess bless him
too far to grab
your hands are out of reach but i care and i cant stop reaching okay?
come to san francisco with me
let me take care of you and remind you of what a revolutionary being you are
my friend
my love
blessed be.
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(comment on this)
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Saturday, August 13th, 2005
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11:23 am - Re: Fuckin'A
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thank u for writing such a beautiful email.
*you're great with words*
yea...it is my birthday now and um...i am not sure what to do with it.
so enough enough. um. just wanted to respond
thanx for being so sweet
i love you and i think ive known i would since we met
but i wish your eyes were here for me to say that to
dont be afraid, baby.
loveheather
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(comment on this)
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Monday, August 8th, 2005
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1:55 pm
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The light at the end of my tunnel.
I think i experienced a genuine smile today. the one that happens when i am by myself. no one there to make me giggle more ( and i do...i love to here their chatter, chatter ) so um...I actually patted myself on the back. i registered for school today. all of the classes that i wanted as well.
Here is my schedual:
Tuesday:
English 9:30-11:00 am
Thursday:
English 9:30-11:00 am
Math 1:00-2:00 pm
Political Science 2:00-5:00 pm
Cultural Anthropology 6:30-9:30 pm
Hah. so yea....thursday is a 12 hour day...but I can figure work into my life easily.
so another blessing was received today.
I got the job at tullys coffee. yeah. corperate coffee. consistency.
constantly corperate.
constant employment. no fucking reading in between the lines.
a job
and the best part is that I am living my life still. My course hasnt been excited enough to change. my valueble lesson, un learned.
my friends, at the time i can say i have been arrested.
i went to jail on tuesday for 6 hours. they were going to keep me for the entire week.
i cried the entire time.
the investigater who worked on the case insisted that i be released for 3 reasons:
a) I have been in contact with him for the last 5 months, informing him of plans and changes in my life.
b) I turned myself in. I said I would, and I did.
c) IM FUCKING HARMLESS.
so there you go folks....and the charges, well...
**2 counts of felony arsen.
*asault with a deadly weopon--->(also felonious)
So yea I dont know if that would add up to 2 or 3 felonies, but the charges are severe and I believe the case lacks evidence. this could result in prison time. this could be a lifetime of fines and community service.
so court begins on August 29th.
i will then be appointed a public pretender and possible offered some plea bargains.
I cant imagine they would offer my anything excluding at least one felony.
and I did think for one moment 'what the fuck should i do next?'
i mean...i wondered about school. if they sent me away i would have to drop out. i might miss class for court and i WILL NOT move back to redding.
and then i realized that my credibility is the best thing to keep right now.
i know the judge and the jury will take me seriously.
I mean think about this:
a 20 year old woman, no criminal history AT ALL, full time student, secured employment, extremely cooperative and punctual.
i think they will question this entire situation when they consider my accusers...and i wont even fucking go there.
hahaha. if they only knew.
and i have one thing to say to justin fonseca:
you hurt me justin. it seems like that is all you ever did.
you are a very sick person and you need some healing.
i might have been blind before but i can see the entire universe now. i can see you justin. you are small.
what kind of man are you anyways? you got me pregnant! you didnt even care! shame on you!
you humiliated me. you fabricated a lie. you selfishly tried to seek revenge on the girl who demanded an answer. how could you treat me so badly? i was so good to you. you hurt me then, and i wont let you hurt me anymore. i suggest you start earning some karmic points, justin. you cant go through life destroying other people's characters. you will be left with nothing. nothing but regret and guilt. just know that i am untouchable. you cannot hurt me anymore.
y o u cannot hurt m e anymore.
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(comment on this)
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Wednesday, August 3rd, 2005
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10:53 am - dont talk to her
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i thought i might change the path of destruction.
i wondered how much fear one person could handle in their lifetime.
how much dissapointment.
and when do you realize that your friends are in love with you and there is also something to identify with repeat offenders.
i saw them, directly accross the hall.
i saw them in their cage and there was nothing i could do...just like you saw them take me in and there was nothing you could do
kidnap me and take me somewhere so far away.
let's run this time.
my spine became these walls. my strength could keep this building from falling. just fucking collapse. kill every one of us you know.
j u s t t a k e t h i s a w a y.
and then please dont mention the fear again.
tell me not to fear and i will fall to my knees.
tell me about love and everything that proves this insignificance.
tell me that my beautiful boy is waiting for me and there is sun and air on the other side and i can breathe still.
.i can breathe.
.incendiary.
shoot me and shoot this.
break it down. revolutionize.
corruption.
have you seen it can you hold it will you embrace it and define it
havoc reaking
calamity is rushing and rising
and YOU KNOW THAT THOSE EVILS WILL PROTECT AND SERVE
so fucking tell me about fear.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Wednesday, July 27th, 2005
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7:36 pm
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so here is just another chapter to enjoy. i think this one takes the cake.
this one is virtually rewarded for it's tenacity.
so this is it:
do opposites attract? How could you love someone that didnt like your favorite band, or didnt share the same capacity for healing?
how could you love someone who wouldnt even go to your favorite band's show because all they see is a waste of money?
I guess these are the little things.
I think the intensity is so evenly distributed...under the covers, in the shower, in my eyes and in your eyes.
and here, in this beautiful city by the bay, the sensation leaves me flushed and smiling.
you</> leave me flushed and smiling and at the edge...sometimes i want to push you over.
but then i ask myself...how could you love?
this question just leaves me parallel...in a universe all to myself.
looking in on you...you hate my favorite band.
but how could you hate?
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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Thursday, June 23rd, 2005
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11:46 pm
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i miss ryan. i need to go out to the farm. i need to forget all of this.
::your friendship brings something out in me::
your love is offensive and i need a place to scream.
i miss my friends. i guess i should be doing rather well considering my circumstances. considering the break ive made. i simply made a decision to hide in this bedroom for three weeks.
(they distract me)
apparently i distract them too...expecially as they are walking on top of water.
and why i look at this screen and why i wait for something magickal to happen...i know what it is.
i want you to want me.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Friday, June 17th, 2005
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5:56 pm
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how could i miss him this much already?
::slugs into chair::
this is that feeling.
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(comment on this)
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Thursday, June 9th, 2005
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10:22 am
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what do you do when life hands you one of it's gregarious opportunities?
where do you step when the footsteps are hardened in the sand?
how do you hurt someone unintentionally?
i cant find the right words sometimes. the right path for this girl to walk down without watching her feet the entire time.
there is a calling for me and im thinking about putting that on silent.
i fear, however, it may silence my approach. delay this 'head up high' thing for a moment or two or a year.
or maybe encourage a constant tick tock on the grandfather clock. the pitter patter of my feet accross the country.
sometimes the pitter patter is quite possessed and hyperactive.
i know how to run when i dont know how to deal.
~~~~~the world is my oyster...~~~~~
the road is my haven. sanctity.
and you think before you speak. variably denying some sort of 'thought trash' and skeptical people will not discard your thoughts when you look deep into their own.
this girl doesnt have to reach an affinity with the entire nation.
even unnder-spoken communnities.
her company cannot be sympathetic. it is just not-so-needed then.
and if i told you that i have changed my mind and i have been conflicted about futures for all of my life...would you then be proud that i was big enough and graced with my determination...?or would you then scorn me for being incapable of decision making and take my conflict as the **anti-you**.
??
there needs a resolution for this girl.
there lies one too and i am just so far different than you.
life never skips a beat for this girl. she moves with the clouds and she rains on the garden and there is no specific need for her in one place for all of time.
so if i told you that i have changed my mind, would you love me dearly and embrace our friendship eternally as we have always planned?
i pray you do beautiful friend of mine. we are different than one another in an enchanting and profounly necesary way.
those differenced and weathering has forced your front onto my storm and we encircle one another. we harmonize in the air and the sea and make sparks when ignited...
we are a blaze that prepares the earth for reproduction.
heart
heart
please embrace me for who i am and if you will not i will still embrace you.
that is a promise of a million lifetimes.
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(comment on this)
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Wednesday, June 8th, 2005
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10:01 pm
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dont think love will happen again.
confusion is utterly capable of consuming this lifetime. the entire thing...it is one that will be full of coinicidence and mistakes and lessons to be learned from those mistakes and i wonder what that lesson has been. ask me ask you.
thanks for reminding me that i am un reliable and impossible to change.
i know this rambling will make no sense. i dont think i will read it before i click on the update button. and i also think that butterflies in my stomach are telling me no.
no no no.
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(comment on this)
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9:57 pm
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on the receiving end of the poison oak again. i guess thats what i get for rolling around at lake parties.
stitches come undone. basing decisions on boys is a horror story.
it is one to create. one to live. subconciously validate.
stubborn burdons of being stubborn.
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